Once upon a time, there was a baker. He was in love with the princess, and she was in love with him. They'd gotten to know each other as he delivered her weekly batch of tea cakes. He didn't mind that she was a bit chubby, and she didn't mind that he was common. They would've been married after 6 months of friendship if not for one thing: King Wotchisfais, her father. Convinced that Princess Aka-aka was the most beautiful girl in the world, he was determined to find a suitable husband for her.
The love-birds waited in secrecy for Wotchisfais to say something about a match. But the months dragged on, and on, and still the king was still.
Finally, shortly after Aka-aka's birthday, the king issued a proclamation. "
Hear ye, hear ye! If there be any worthless being who thinks to seek the hand of the priceless, peerless, perfectly plump Princess Aka-aka let him present himself promptly at the palace. There he shall proceed to participate in a contest. The prize of which shall be marriage to the most beautiful Princess Aka-aka."
The pair rejoiced when they heard this, but still remained silent about their affection. They wanted to see what the king had in mind.
A few princes arrived, and a couple farmers who wanted to move up in the world. They gathered in the
throne room with the king and princess to hear the challenge. The challenge was given.
The princes paled; the farmers shrugged, and returned to farming; and princess Aka-aka burst into tears.
The next morning (delivery time), she cried into the baker's shoulder that she would die an old maid, and then explained between sobs what her father wanted. The baker would've fainted if Aka-aka hadn't been clutching him. Wotchisfais wanted the Fountain of Youth!
After reassuring her of his undying devotion, the baker returned to his shop an closed up. He gave away the pastries and breads, then went up to his room. He put on his super hero pjs and walked out the door. Off he went!;* with neither food nor water to sustain his being. He carried only the memory of his princess and the love they shared.
The night came after a day's walk. The baker dressed up as a superhero found himself pacing through the woods. Shadowy darkness, already ominous, grew black-er. The moon hid. Shyly, the stars covered themselves with tenebrous clouds. The baker dressed up as a superhero fel fear smoothly edge its way into his heart. He heard the shrub shudder. Or did he? Was his imagination taking control? Was there really something sinister hiding in that tangle of leaves? An owl hooted, and he ran. He ran and ran and ran and ran. Running helped him clear his head-- there wouldn't be anything following him. That only happened in fairy tales.
(I love it when people put that in books or movies :), so I just had to put it in, naturally) Then he heard it again. A whisper of twigs being moved. His reason fled again, and so did he. Slowing once more, (this time from exhaustion) he considered his situation. He could fight or take flight. Since he didn't have hollow bones, he decided to fight whatever was out there.
Silence blanketed the forest.
Then it was there! The rustling sound.Clenching his fist, the baker dressed up as a superhero waited. Then, all of a sudden, a wolf appeared!
The baker dressed up as a superhero lowered his fists. "Whew!" he sighed, "I was afraid something awful was following me."
Choosing not to respond to that, the wold asked "Who are you? What are you doing here?"
"I'm a baker dressed up as a superhero, and I'm in love with Princess Aka-aka; but her father, King Wotchisfais, won't let me marry her unless I find the Fountain of Youth."
"I could help you," the wolf told him, "When I put my left ear on the ground I can hear anything in the world."
"Really?"the baker dressed up as a superhero asked. "What happens when you put your
right ear on the ground?""A mountain falls half-way around the world, and a princess falls in love with a baker."
"Whoa, really?" he asked again.
"No, nothing happens."
Thus, the baker dressed up as a superhero and the hearing-wolf became BFFs, and set off together. They walked the rest of the night, and kept on walking as the sun rose.
Presently, they left the wood, and were strolling through a mountain meadow. Traveling further, they came to a bridge. As they started across they heard a voice call "Who's that foot-steeping over my bridge?"
"It is I, the baker dressed up as a superhero, and my friend, the hearing-wolf. We are only passing through to find the --"
"I'm going to eat you up!" shouted the troll, as he jumped onto the bridge.
But before he could, another sound came from the other side of the ford. The troll whirled around.
"Who's that trip-trappin' over my bridge?"he bellowed.
A chorus of voices came back over, "It is only we, the three Billy Goats Gruff. We are going to eat the green, green gr--"
"I'm going to eat you up!" the troll shouted, fergetting he already had a meal ready and waiting.
Boldly, the largest of the three goats stepped forward. "Try it if you can!" he called; and without waiting for an answer, he charged across the bridge, and butted the troll hari over hairy toes into the river.
The other two trotted over to join him, and to meet the strangers who had watched in amazement.
"Who are you?" ask the smallest, Willy.
"Why are you here?" questioned William, the next largest.
"Where are you going?" rumbled Williamsburg in his deep voice.
The baker dressed up as a superhero explained, "I'm a baker dressed up as a superhero, and I'm in love with Princess
Aka-aka; but her father, King Wotchisfais, won't let me marry her unless
I find the Fountain of Youth. This is my friend: the hearing-wolf. When he puts his left ear on the ground he can hear anything in the world. He has agreed to help me."
Looking at each other, the Billy Goats nodded. "We'll help, too!" they cried.
"I can see anywhere in the world when I hop up and down three times." said Willy
"I can run anywhere in the world almost before you can blink." said William.
"And I have the strength of ten armies." said Williamsburg.
The baker dressed up as a superhero could've clapped his hands for joy. "Excellent! Willy, can you see the Fountain?"
Three hops and a glance around later, Willy replied "Yes. There's a wooden cup next to it."
Turning to William, the baker dressed up as a superhero asked him "Will you run and get it?"
"Can do." and with that and a quick nod of direction from Willy, he was gone ... Only to appear seconds later with a cup full of water. "Sorry," he said, "it took a while for me to fill the cup from the Fountain."
"No worries!" the baker dressed up as a superhero practically squealed in delight, "Let's head back. But would you all mind sticking around? I might need you again."
They all agreed ("That's what friends are for!") and off they went to the palace.
On the way the met A Couple of People; twins, it seem. They looked so fatigued that the baker dressed up as a superhero offered them a drink or some berries that he'd gathered. They declined, and asked, "Who are you? What are you doing here?"
To which he responded, "I'm a baker dressed up as a superhero, and I'm in love with Princess
Aka-aka; but her father, King Wotchisfais, won't let me marry her unless
I find the Fountain of Youth. This is my friend: the hearing-wolf. When
he puts his left ear on the ground he can hear anything in the world. And these are the three Billy Goats Gruff. Willy here can see anything inthe world with three hops; quick as a flash, William can go to that place and beyond; and for our safety, Williamsburg has the strength of ten armies. They have all agreed to help me."
"Oh! Let us come, too! One of Us is always thirsty, and the Other One is always hungry. Surely we can assist ou somehow."
Gladly, they were welcomed. The next day, they all appeared at the palace.
A great change had taken place. King Wotchisfais had had a nightmare that a baker dressed up as a superhero would win the princess. The king felt that this was a vision, and strove with all his might to prevent it. He called the army home, and set them up everywhere around the village; but he consentrated the force around, in, and through the castle.
Of course, with Williamsburg, the baker dressed up as a superhero had no problem entering the throne room.
He and his friends arrived before Aka-aka and her father, who had been sitting on their thrones as the army was dispersed (much to the dismay of Aka-aka, who felt that her father was going senile).
But his nightmare
was coming true! He had to think of a way to stop the baker dressed up as a superhero from marrying his precious princess. Wait, no he didn't. He already had a plan. What was it? Oh... Yes!
The CELLAR of ANTI-STARVATION and THIRST!!
Coldly, Wotchisfais congratulated the baker dressed up as a superhero on successfully passing the
1st test, and invited him into the royal kitchen for the next one. The princess had been staring in adoration at her love, but now turned to her father in despair.
The cup was set aside until it was needed, and the baker dressed up as a superhero and his friends were led to the kitchen, right up to a cellar filled with an asparagus-artichoke icecream shake. "Your next task is to drink this icecream," the king was heard to say. "You may select one companion to help you drink this before sundown." It was noon now, and the baker dressed up as a superhero's hopes rose as high as the sun after he heard the requirement. "Your majesty, I would like to select for my companion One of the Couple of People," and thus, the drinking commenced. The baker dressed up as a superhero almost threw up at the taste, but One of the Couple of People was so thirsty that he didn't care about the flavor of the beverage. With in two hours, the king's second largest cellar was as dry as Goblin Valley. Up in his chamber, the king stood shocked at his messanger's news. "Really?... ah... well then.... Let's see our fellow, shall we?" his majestic character slipped as he hurridly considered whether the next challenge was ready.
The messenger, a young boy, was so shaken by this friendly monarch that he came down with the fever and lost his sight.
*Let this be a lesson to all you rulers: always keep up appearances. Your subjects depend on it.*
"Eat this squid"
'
Ew.' thought the baker dressed up as a superhero.
'Yum' thought the Other Couple of People,
'seafood.'
2 hours and a few trips to the bathroom later, another cellar was empty (although this one had been sqelshy and slimy).
The baker dressed up as a superhero watched the king leave, going to think of another challenge. '
This could go on forever.' the baker dressed up as a superhero pondered,
'I need to stop this.'
So as Wotchisfais thought of a challenge, the baker dressed up as a superhero thought of a way to avoid it. Princess Aka-aka was thinking, too; and arranged for a meeting with her soul-mate. After a fond, yet modest embrace, the baker dressed up as a superhero and the princess got down to business.
What did King Wotchisfais object to? That the baker dressed up as a superhero was common. How could they change that? Hmmmmm....
The princess searched through the history books, and found a similar account. It was resolved when the commoner became prince of a remote island seven years away. But the baker dressed up as a superhero didn't think the king would fall for that ruse without some persuasion. Besides, the maps didn't show an island seven years away.
Once again, the baker dressed up as a superhero turned to Willy and the hearing-wolf.
"Do you see a distant island?" he asked Willy, "So distant it would take eight years to travel to?" Better safe than sorry.
"Yes," Willy said, "It's rich, happy, and fertile."
"Hearing-wolf, what is happening there?"
The hearing-wolf put his ear to the ground. After a few minutes, he spoke. "The king has died. The 'elder prince and heir' is on a long voyage, and has been gone ten years. His younger brother has been regent, but is waiting loyally for his brother." He continued, "The island is called Citzdem; and the brothers are Cim, the elder, and Dom, the younger."
Next, the baker dressed up as a superhero called William. "Can you run over water?"
"Of course."
"Please go to Citzdem; Willy will show you the way."
"What will I do there?" puzzled William.
"Deliver this message, please," and the baker dressed up as a superhero handed William a letter written by Princess Aka-aka in man's handwriting. "It goes to prince Dom, informing him that Cim is marrying a foreign princess, and that Dom must rule in Cim's place, for Cim needs to help the princess's aged father."
"Okey dokey" and William was off.
The next morning, King Wotchisfais summoned the baker dressed up as a superhero, but before he could announce the day's challenge, the baker dressed up as a superhero interjected.
"Your majesty, I'm afraid I have deceived you. I am not a baker dressed up as a superhero, but a prince dressed up as a baker dressed up as a superhero. As proof," he quickly moved on, before his majesty could object, "my brother has written me this letter," and he pulled out the response that William had brought back the night before.
"Dear Brother,
"I'm glad you have found love, and another kingdom to ally. I will take power as best I can, and hope you will visit occasionally.
"Sincerely,
"Dom XII Remandise, King of Citzdem."
Jumping off his throne, Wotchisfais seized the letter, and carefully examined it.
"How do I know this is real?"
"Simple. Travel to Citzdem to find out for yourself."
The king came up close to the baker dressed up as a superhero who was also pretending to be a prince dressed up as a baker dressed up as a superhero, and slowly, morbidly, and quietly stated, "If this proves to be false, you will have no head to think with, no heart to feel with, and no hands to reach out for mercy." Abruptly turning, he called out, "Prepare the royal ship! We are going on a voyage!"
The captain was immediately dragged in and informed. He asked how long the voyage would be., and King Wotchisfais turned to the baker dressed up as a superhero who was also pretending to be a prince dressed up as a baker dressed up as a superhero.
"Well, how long?"
"16 years, round trip."
"Hah!" the obstinate king answered, "A lie. You'll not be rid of us for
that long. Prepare the ship for a 15 year, 363 day voyage."
So the king set off, with his cowering captain and crew; and while he was gone, the baker dressed up as a superhero took off his pjs, and married the princess. The baker turned prince ruled a peaceful kingdom, with the help of his friends: Willy and the hearing-wolf kept him informed of outside matters; William and Williamsburg were a 2-goat border patrol; and The Couple of People started a program to provide food and drink for the hungry and thirsty. So all-in-all, things ran smoothly. Aka-aka had a few children; the eldest of which was almost grown, when Wotchisfais returned, 15 years and 36
5 days later (it was leap year) .
His face was the face of a raging kookaburra (or was it a rhino?), and his eyes were like two firebirds, ready to fly out and lay waste to the country; or to the unfortunate baker turned prince who was trembling before him.
"You STUPID, SIMPERING, SMARTIE-PANTS, SUPERHEROof a
FAKE! Do you know what you've done!" The king roared.
Uh-oh, thought the baker turned prince.
I'm in trouble.
And boy, was he in trouble.
It had never occured to him to see what the king was doing, or what was happening on Citzdem.
King Wotchisfais filled him in.
Of course, Cim eventually came back home, to find that his brother was ruling as king, and that he had settled so smoothly into this role, that no one was overjoyed that the real king was back. Some people thought that a change would be enjoyable, but they weren't willing to work for it.
Dom, naturally, thought that it was outragous that his brother thought that he could just come back and reclaim a throne he'd denied; and Cim thought that it was outragous that his brother thought that he had denied the throne. In the end, Cim had asked a neighboring island for help, and Citzdem was being torn apart by the war.
The baker turned prince sent the king to meet the grandkids and drink of the Fountain of Youth (he was looking
really old); then held a council with his friends.
Willy and the hearing-wolf confirmed what the king had said. William was sent with a note of explanation, and to bring Williamsburg home.
When the brothers found they'd been dupped, they took immediate action. Dom abdicated in favor of Cim, and Cim ordered Dom to lead the royal navy against Snnah (the kingdom the baker was ruling).
But before they could do any damage, an alliance was made. The Citzdemians would go home and never bother Snnah again if....
Let's just say that the baker had a new home: the royal island dungeon.
Aka-aka died of heartbreak, and her father soon followed after raging for an hour.
Prince Kak-bro, the baker turned prince's son, became the king. He ruled a peaceful kingdom, with the help of his friends: Willy and the
hearing-wolf kept him informed of outside matters; William and
Williamsburg were a 2-goat border patrol; and The Couple of People enlarged their program to provide food and drink for the hungry and thirsty. So all-in-all, things ran smoothly.
And most of them lived happily ever after.
The End
Note: If you want to end a story quickly, kill everyone off, or send them somewhere out of the way. :)
